My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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