So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
