There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
