i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is Oprah even human
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
