I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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