Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
