Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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