there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
