she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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