it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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