my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
