we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
