Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
