you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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