You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
