i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
