Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
