my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
