i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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