peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
