Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
