the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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