She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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