I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we made out on top of his cat.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
