i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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