we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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