I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Come see our sink grown plant.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
