story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
