he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
