I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
