Swine flu. Run for my life!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
