If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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