that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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