Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
