apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
