she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
