Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
