I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
