Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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