I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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