Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
