Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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