We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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