I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
