What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She bit a glass in half.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
