The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
