Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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