well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
