She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
