I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
